LJ Idol Week 2: “It is not taboo to fetch what is at risk of being left behind”

[nicholewithanh]

“Do you still have your visitor?” Cindy places a slight emphasis on the word “visitor” and gives me a meaningful look. Her watery blue eyes are filled with concern and I gulp down my embarrassment. It glides around in my stomach like a jellyfish trying to swim its way out through my throat.

“Yeah. My mom’s still with us.”

She shakes her head and I can practically hear her tsking my mother as she walks off with a shelving cart. Everyone says that my mother should know better than to inflict her company on Tom and I for so long. This includes my younger sister.

When I get home, she’s smoking on our back deck and watching a video on her cell phone. This is where she’s held court since arriving at the beginning of July. We tried to convince her to get a job - any job - so that she could get her own apartment after her landlord sold her condo back in Canada.

She didn’t.

My sister offered to co-sign on a place until she got a job and a few pay cheques in.

She still didn’t.

“I would never do that to you,” my mother had scoffed. She would never make herself my sister’s responsibility, but she would to me. She drove 673 miles and crossed a border to do it - on Canada Day no less. That’s roughly 1083 kilometers.

She blows out a cloud of smoke into the July heat and props her elbow up on the patio table, her cigarette held like a wand between her finger tips. “I don’t know, my girl.” She sighs.

“You don’t know what?” I’m careful to keep my face neutral. If she catches the wrong tone or expression, she’ll lay on the guilt so hard that I’ll convince myself that I said something truly demonic and need to be exorcized.

“Calgary might not be the right place for me,” she says, flicking her cigarette into the ashtray that I ordered from Amazon just for her. It’s turquoise and has a brown lid that’s been banished to the opposite end of the table since she arrived.

“It wasn’t the right place for me either,” I say.

“Yes, but people like me.”

“I hope that they like me too.”  Once again, she’s putting me down to raise herself up.

“Don’t make this about yourself. You know what I mean. People are drawn to me and I haven’t made a connection in years. Maybe it’s time I move on. Lots of people on Tiktok are saying they’re moving to other countries.”

Shit, shit, shit. I don’t want to see my mother on the streets, but I also don’t want her staying for six months, which is the longest she’s legally allowed to stay in the US without a visa.

Even having her for a month is making my coworkers shake their heads at me. “You’ll never get rid of her once you let her in for that long.”

But who wants to see their parent homeless? It seemed like the right thing to do - not to let her get left behind. I thought they were being heartless. That it was my duty as her daughter to take care of her. “She’d do it for me,” I told myself.

“I don’t know if that’s a great idea,” I say. “You can’t stay in a different country forever. What will you have to come back to?”

“I don’t know, Nichole!” she snaps. “I’m just thinking outloud. You don’t have to make me feel bad for it.”

A gentle haze of smoke drifts in the evening sunlight and the tip of her Belmont glows a fiery orange as she inhales. When I stand up, she shoots me an accusatory look.

“I have to start on dinner,” I say, walking through her cloud.

“Well, don’t look so miserable,” she calls after me. “I’ll make dinner for everyone tomorrow. It’ll be fabulous!”

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

What a narcissist! Ack! I look after my 94-yr-old mother. I can relate ro this and some ppl criticize me for doing all I do, but what’s the alternative? I get it.

[nicholewithanh]

Glad (and sorry) that you can relate! Thanks so much for reading.

[mollywheezy]

I take care of my 80-year-old mom and she is so much like that--self-centered, putting me down, etc. She's always been that way, though, and I've learned to ignore her drama. Sorry you have to deal with that!

[nicholewithanh]

Nice to know I'm not alone in dealing with this but sorry you also have to deal with it! My mother is 60, which makes me feel like it's not unfair to ask her to try to work, but the way she stalls in applying anywhere..who knows.

[roina_arwen]

That sounds like a frustrating situation to be in, but even so it’s nice that you’re there for her. Hugs!

[fausts_dream]

I have known people like your mom, usually I am the bad guy in my own story and certainly I was very narcissistic for a long time...but there are some people out there who might have given even me a run for my money.

This paints a picture with words, wishing you strength.

[muchtooarrogant]

I loved the line, "It glides around in my stomach like a jellyfish trying to swim its way out through my throat." With just those few words, I knew exactly how your narrator felt. And mom, "I’ll make dinner for everyone tomorrow. It’ll be fabulous!" LOL Promises promises.

Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed reading it.

Dan

[nicholewithanh]

Thanks! Thankfully I've had a few better experiences since writing this entry, which makes the burden feel a lot lighter. I appreciate your taking the time to read & comment!

[nicholewithanh]

Thanks so much!

[nicholewithanh]

Oh I'm so glad you liked it! I definitely paused over that line and wondered if readers were going to pick up on what I was trying to express so I'm glad that it came across the right way.

Thanks for reading!

[thephantomq]

Oooooof.

She's do it for you, but it'd come with so many strings and guilt trips and other bullshit that it'd never, ever be worth going to her in your time of need.

Hopefully she won't continue to stay for too much longer. No one should be homeless, but having to walk on eggshells in your own home is... ugh.

[chasing_silver]

Reminds me of my grandmother, and my MIL. I loved the dialogue in this, and the way you use words to evoke so many emotions.

[halfshellvenus]

Hoo, boy. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I can understand how boxed-in you must feel right now.

Is your sister the Golden Child, by any chance, while you're the Responsible One?

I sure hope your Mom gets her act together soon and starts being the adult in her own life again. :(

[murielle]

It's so hard when the people who are supposed to love, protect, and support us don't. When they don't even know how. And they aren't even aware of how it makes us feel and what it does to our sense of self and well-being.

A beautifully drawn example of a painful experience. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope it works out for you. ((Hugs))

[sohardtohold]

Great story about a frustrating situation/person. A lot of us would do whatever they had to for their family. But it's hard work. I enjoyed reading!

[n3m3sis43]

Oh lord, she sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’re stuck with her in your home! Here’s hoping you can find a way to remove her that doesn’t involve being forced to literally put her out on the street.

[bleodswean]

This is a toughie and you're really being put in a position. Good luck and I hope that everything turns out well for all of you.

[inkstainedfingertips]

Ouch. This hits far too close to home. Being told you're making it all about yourself and being put down to raise herself up is incredibly tough. I am sorry you have to go through this. It has to be so difficult. Doing your "duty" as a daughter shouldn't come at the cost of your life and mental well-being. That is such a difficult position to be in.

[erulissedances]

Oh my, it can be impossible to speak with someone whose entire world is themselves, with everyone else as ancillary actors when it's convenient for the "star". Ouch!

- Erulisse (one L)

[reidharriscooper]

You just made me feel better about my current life situation. my mother is going through hell and trying her best to understand that her hell is my hell. She doesn't always succeed but for the most part, especially since her hell really is such and I don't know how I'd be in the roles were reversed and I don't know how she'd be either. This isn't about ME though, but evoked things from me so it did it's job as writing.

[nicholewithanh]

Thanks so much (and sorry you can relate!)

[nicholewithanh]

I'd say my sister is equally as responsible as I am, but she's the youngest and the favourite. We handle things with Mum together as best as we can. So glad to have someone else to help shoulder the burden!

(I hope so too! Thanks so much for reading and the kind words.)

[xeena]

Such a difficult situation and not easy at all to navigate :/ I really hope things get better soon

[alycewilson]

OMG, what an uncomfortable situation. I hope she gets out of your hair and finds a place to be. You wrote about this engagingly.